I do.

Its good in the day...busy and full...I wait in between takes to be the experience for another. Its good in the moment of the eb and the flow. I am so many things to so many people all at once most days. I YEARN for the moment I can decompress and allow another love to be that for me. I crave the rock that can ground me and the river that can flow...I too,0 desire the spa and the resort. Candle light dinner and affection...adoration...little surprises for no reason.. I dream of the night to come home to someone and look forward to nothing more than take out and our favorite TV shows. Spontaneity...PASSION. I just want to be loved and feel certain...no worry or doubt. I seek the freedom in love and relationship...companionship...and family. I want to be able to rely on someone and have a bad day and still be loved...to dream with someone and actually experience the dream come true. The world tells me I need only me and to focus on my kids...or that I should be independent...and yes I know I can do all that just fine. But I enjoy the company of laughter...socialism...and touch. It feeds my soul like water when dehydrated. Quenching the thirst my heart can only absorb. Its risky even to say this out loud...to run the risk of coming off needy or pathetic but I dont care...sometimes I just need to say it. I get lonely in the filled rooms and the daily pursuit of happiness...and self fulfillment. I dont have daddy issues...nor do I  need a man to pay my bills. I just wanna love and be loved. To be thought of and experience kindness and compassion...tenderness and loyalty. Yes. I WANT MARRIAGE...FAMILY...HAPPILY EVER FOREVER. I WANT TO FEEL SPECIAL IN THE EYES OF ANOTHER AND TO LOVE SO DEEPLY FOR ANOTHER THEY GROW AND GROW. I do... Want to say those words and know that I am the luckiest girl in the world and that I am going to spend the rest of my life with my soul mate. I want it all. I am ready. I never thought I would be this clear in what it was I wanted. I work diligently at a career that is my dream...and every day I am reminded of what it is I want now...and that is...to share my dreams with daily, forever, and always with a love so true. I am now confronting if wanting this is the same as believing it will happen. Or trying to convince myself I dont want it because I dont believe it will happen. The mind fuck is rediculous. The nights haunt me...sometimes a reminder of what I miss...and thirst. I have denied myself of even wanting that in an exempt to hide from vulnerability embarrassed of what someone would think if they knew. How would a man feel if he knew that about me would he think I was weak? Those feelings terrified me.

And then...it happen. One Sunday...teaching at my amazing Resort in Del Mar a bride as gorgeous as ever came thru with her handsome groom to take pictures. They were gushing with Love. Tears of joy came through. I was enamored with the vision of this beautiful moment my eyes and heart where experiencing. It was clear. I would be lying to myself if I said I did not want that. I do... No pun intended... I do. I am proud to say what I want and I am scard to confront if I believe I will have that. Does it come down to self worth...am I ready, able, free to love and be loved? I am. I do... I knew who I was when I proclaimed my independence and conqueror the daily demands of motherhood and balancing my career and pave the way to my future. I dont know this girl...or do I? Is she the real me? Is this my purest most innocent place within. The goddess within that is love. I was never ment to be with many for I am my best with one...loyal and profound. Intimate and enriched with depth. This is who I am. I am the anchor...the bay of family and the wealth of nourishment. I love to love. I AM THE ONE...my inner voice screams to be heard and embraced. I AM THE ONE.

I can fill up the days but just can't swallow he night of emptiness. Am I strong for being honest and voicing this desire. Or weak for needing wanting searching for that someone to love that loves me back and wants to grow old with me too. I have worked on thyself...I enjoy being alone...I am a great Mom. I just would love share my day and celebrate the hard work life calls for at times. A hero to rally momentous times and hold me when I am tired. I have been all of these things for myself. And I have come to learn I am my greatest when I can love and I am free when I am loved. So no doubt I can and will do so always... I have convinced myself at times I am fine and can do it all...all by myself. Sadly, I just dont want to even though I can...what do I gain by wanting? I can just keep busy...be strong...I am not desperate or needy...or am I? If I don't allow myself to feel that way and it never happens than I never have to feel disappointed...but who am I kidding. I do... I do care I do want I do love

and I...am worth it! I am worth the love I give and I deserve to receive it back...I am the beauty I see and I am the dream, I dream. A hopeless romantic I am... I do. I believe. Waiting impatiently. Lol

and...Exhale-